"Tick Tock Tick" (Life Sketch)

April 22, 2011. 11:31 P.M.

I asked a question, a question somewhere deep inside of me, I knew the answer to, but was too afraid to accept. It was a question I asked two weeks prior, and been told to wait for an answer. On this night, he told me we could meet the following day, grab a meal, and discuss it. But, this was no business deal. It was a matter of the heart. From his reply, I knew my heart was going to break. How was I sure? It was because I asked for honesty—the truth, thus so received.

April 22, 2011. 11:59 P.M.

            My hand trembled as I held my phone, reading his answer. Slowly, I scrolled through his text messages, reading each line, fully absorbing the words, the confession, the truth. A weight sunk upon my chest, and my hands grew cold and clammy. For a brief moment, life was sucked out of me, and I was a fish upon land. There never seems to be a pleasant truth; those mysterious wise folk who always said, “Ignorance is bliss”, was indeed correct.

Yet, even in the pain, I could not find regret for asking for the truth. I only regretted that I had not asked sooner, because on this night, I discovered that what I thought was real was not. I learned I had spent the last three months blinded by the boy who admitted, he was leading me on. He confessed that he realized what he was doing, yet he had continued, and now what is left is the truth in front of me. I buried my face into my hands. Faintly in the background, there was the constant tick, tock, tick. Time kept going; it never stopped. In a minute, it would be a new day.   

April 23, 2011.

A new day did come, and I worked on two term papers. It was all I could do, for now.

April 24, 2011. 10:40 A.M.

            This day was a beautiful Easter morning. My love for God urged me to attend church. However, the boy who revealed the truth that shook my reality less than 36 hours ago also attended the same church as I. We normally walked there together; today would be no different. I put on my best Easter outfit, and let my focus be on God. For that moment, I smiled, honestly.

            Once we entered the sanctuary, my smile faded as I saw her, sitting in the pews. I bit my bottom lip as I followed the boy towards the seats, towards the seats next to her. They chatted, they smiled, they laughed. She was on his left, I was on his right, but I could only wish that I were invisible, so at least there would have been an excuse for why he ignored me in front of her.

            After service, people stopped and gathered. He introduced her to everyone around, and then to me. I smiled and said hello, but I already knew who she was; she was his ex-girlfriend, and as he had revealed, I was only the rebound after her. From her forced smile and nervous shifting, she knew who I was too. Thus, I bid farewell and walked back to campus, alone, trying to remove the salt he had rubbed into the wound. It was the longest walk I had ever taken.

April 24, 2011. 3:10 P.M.

There was a knock on my door. I opened it, and he was there. He came in, and began asking if he could buy me food. I stared at him in disbelief. He kept asking, pushing. Of all people, why would I want him to buy me food, I thought. Then, he admitted he heard I had not been eating in the last day. My disbelief only grew; first, that was not true, and secondly, he had no right to be doing this. Frankly, I had lost some of my appetite from disgust at the situation, at the jerk, and at myself for being so stupid, so blind to have fallen into the trap.

Then, in the midst of my thoughts, I heard him speak again, telling me that he hoped I wouldn’t do something I would regret, because he wanted me to know, he wasn’t worth it. Wait, I thought, is he telling me to not kill myself over him? Oh my goodness, he is! He then continued to tell me that he wanted to check my mental stability, as finals were coming up, and he didn’t want me to throw it all away for him. This form of arrogance was appalling, shocking, perhaps one of the greatest insults I had ever received in my life. Normally, I would have just nodded, stayed silent, and kept my thoughts to myself. However, today was different.

I stared at him, straight in the eyes as I said, “Don’t worry, I know you’re not worth it.” In that moment, I realized what self-respect was; and, because of that, I would never be the same.